I was reading on your website and I came across info on techniques on how to delay your ejaculation, but I didn’t find any info on if you already have delayed ejaculation issues and looking for advice to speed up the process of achieving orgasm through sex and not masturbation. Is there any info out there that can assist in relaxing men and training ourselves to have orgasm with a partner easier and to break down any mental or physical roadblocks than inhibits sexual pleasure?

ANSWER

The problem you describe, of having difficulty ejaculating when you want to, is much less common than the problem of ejaculating before you are ready, but many men do suffer from this situation.

Ironically, the cause for both is likely to be the same. Let me explain.

Most men want to be good lovers and lots of men want to be great lovers. This is a good thing, but can have some undesirable consequences depending upon how a man pursues his goal. In fact, that is the problem and the common source for both premature ejaculation and not being able to ejaculate even when you are ready to do so, i. e., turning lovemaking into a goal oriented project.

Setting goals and implementing strategies to accomplish them is a useful thing to do. A man can certainly use this method to accomplish many worthwhile things in life, but great lovemaking is not one of them!

The mistake men make is to have getting to orgasm as the goal of their lovemaking, and beyond that, to have both partners climax at the same instant is the big jackpot. If they have any success in this, then getting to orgasm, simultaneous climax for both lovers, becomes a way to keep score, and when you get to orgasm in this way, presumably you have evidence, proof, that you are a really great lover. Then you try to remember what you did, and repeat those steps (i. e., apply a strategy), to get the same result as before. This is a performance.

But it does not take long before performance anxiety sets in. The man becomes so focused on getting somewhere, i. e., to the goal of orgasm, that he loses touch with the present moment. Each act is reduced to being a means to an end, in other words, to get to the next step, to get somewhere other than where you are, to get to a future place, a future outcome, a future goal. Nothing along the way has particular value, as its primary function is not what it is, but where it will get you to. This is all in the head, not in the body. So in this way the man is out of touch with his body, and this is not good for lovemaking. For great lovemaking you must be in your body, not in your head.

The way to be in your body is to pay attention to sensory information. That is, direct sensory information, e. g., seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting, and touching, not naming the things that you see, and hear, and smell, etc., and not thinking about them, but rather, just experiencing them directly using the senses of your body. This brings you instantly into the now moment, and thinking becomes still, calm, irrelevant.

If you can drop the goal of getting to orgasm, then no performance is required. There is nowhere to get to, you are no longer touching her in a certain way in order to turn her on, or in order to turn yourself on, or in order to get to ejaculation, you are simply touching her, and you are paying complete attention to that touch, feeling it, not thinking about it, not naming what you are doing, just being in the touch. The same is true for her touching you. In this way each taste, each touch, each caress, each connection of the eyes, each breath, etc., retains its perfect richness, quality, meaning, and value.

There is no performance anxiety in this, and when all the performance anxiety drops away, men discover that they can delay ejaculation if that is what they choose, or they can ejaculate if that is what they choose. Then ejaculation becomes a completely natural, organic, voluntary  response, not something you have to work hard to either avoid or achieve. This is how a man gains mastery of his ejaculation response.

Our eBook, Voluntary Ejaculation and Male Sexual Mastery is a complete course for helping men learn ejaculation mastery.

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