I find that the better my emotional, non-physical connection is to a partner, the less we have in common on a physical chemistry level. I have had 3 very serious relationships with men I could see myself marrying and living happily ever after with, each of which have had serious issues within the bedroom.   I am a confident lover, who consistently strives to make the best of every area within a relationship but I don’t know how to get around the disinterest or even fear most men seem to have in being more sexually adventurous.   I am very open and have learned that communication is key, but after approaching the issue delicately from numerous angles with each of these men, I inevitably end up backing down and partaking in only that which he is totally familiar and  comfortable with.   It’s not that I’m not being satisfied (okay sometimes I would rather be sleeping through it) but I know reaching a higher level of sexual fulfillment could be so beneficial to both of us, and our relationship. How do I ease his sexual inhibitions and open up the only aspect of our relationship that is less than perfect? And how do I reintroduce a harmless (I understand boundaries, issues with sexual abuse…etc) idea that’s already been brushed off as silly/unnecessary?

ANSWER

You’ve raised a very strong point here. One that you need to look carefully at if you want to have a relationship that satisfies you on all levels.
If you have emotional connection, but the sexual connection doesn’t work, what does that suggest to you? Is it a matter of you trying to help them break through barriers of sexual exploration or are you choosing men who can open their hearts but not their bodies?

Many men do have fears about sex, especially with a woman who is confident and eager. How can they keep up? Will they be able to satisfy her? After all, a woman can keep going and going, but a man wears out, unless he has learned sexual mastery. The expectation that he has to give a performance, even if it’s an unspoken expectation, can be a real libido killer. It’s easier to just stay in the same safe place.

You might suggest exploring Tantric sex practices.

They focus not on the goal of orgasm but on connection on all levels — sex that has no performance demands, but instead focuses on union through pleasure. Lovemaking may be slow and gentle or wild and fast but always it is about the connection between the partners. This lets go of expectations for both of you. Just as women can sense when a man is only concentrated on getting to intercourse when he is engaging in any kind of foreplay, men can sense when a woman is figuring it’s up to him to make the sex great; he has to have skill and stamina.

Some specific suggestions, check out our articles section, read them together.   Particularly, How to Make Love For Hours, How To Give Her More Than She Can Handle, Freeing The Female Orgasm.

Attending a workshop would be even better. We have great couples’ weekends at our place near Ottawa, Canada, but depending on your location there are lots of good teachers out there. Check www. tantra. com for teachers and workshops worldwide. Suggest a workshop as a way to make your connection stronger on all levels, not as a way to make your man open up sexually to be a better lover.

Another issue could be if your man has beliefs and assumptions, perhaps subconscious, that his spouse/wife/life partner cannot be highly sexual. This is the classic Madonna/whore split. Many men, and many women, hold the belief that a woman can’t be both good and sexy, only one or the other and act accordingly. Have a conversation with him and explore the beliefs about this that both of you have. Once such beliefs are revealed you can change them. You change them by taking action. In this case action requires sexual exploration in spite of any emotional discomfort this may bring up.

A common spiritual pitfall is to always act to feel emotionally comfortable; to remain in your emotional comfort zone, but unfortunately this keeps you stuck where you are. Almost certainly, to move into new territory, e. g., in this case, integrating being highly sexual and also be great life partners at the same time, will require that you act in spite of your conditioned emotional discomfort. Doing so will change your rigid beliefs and free you to go to a higher level together.

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